Friend Wanted

9 year old Sandra. I was a tomboy in a dress.

Growing up, my older brother, Paul, and  I were best friends. We were inseparable. Every day after we had finished our school work, we would either play outside, or build a blanket fort in the basement, or build furniture for the "little people" we were convinced lived in our walls and only came out at night. No matter what we were doing, our imagination was used in full force and it was always fun.

But that all changed the summer when I was nine years old. Paul met some friends who went to our church and also lived in our neighborhood. I desperately wanted to hang out with them. I considered myself to be just as rough and tumble as any boy and I could keep up with the best of them. But after a few failed attempts at tagging along, I realized that the epic adventures they went on, did not leave room for a little sister.

So I tried to have fun without Paul. I made plates and bowls out of mud, but it just wasn't the same. I tried to draw some pictures, but my lack in artistic ability left me drawing stick figures without my brother's imagination. I read book after book, but I got bored of reading. So what was the logical thing for an odd little girl who lost her best friend to do? I busted out some construction paper and crafted together a beautiful "Friend Wanted" sign. I was just certain that if I put the sign in the front yard, someone would walk by and see it and want to be my friend. So my mom helped me get a stick and tape the sign to it. It sat cheerfully in the front yard for over a week. And no one inquired about being my friend. So I took the sign down and decided to take matters into my own hands. I hopped on my bike and rode around the two blocks I was allowed to be without my parents. I scoped out every house and every yard to see if a kid lived there. Finally, I did find a friend. A girl named Christan who lived a street over from me. We would ride bikes and go to the park and use our imagination to no end.

Ever since then, I think I've had this "best friend complex". Something happened when I turned 30. I gained the ability to acknowledge aspects of my personality- and instead of being ashamed or embarrassed, I can somehow accept it and try to figure out a way to overcome it. I've always needed a best friend. Someone who I can call every day and plan things with. When I moved away from Kansas City, I was sad to leave my friends. Because starting over and making new friends is hard. But I did it. In the seven years I was away from KC, I developed friendships and had fun. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking how much more fun I would be having if I could just be back home. And we moved back. But the ideas I had in my head of what my life would be like if I just had my old friends back, didn't happen. Whether it's a matter of distance, or different schedules, or the chaos of life, I don't have the relationship with my best friends that I wanted. Not just wanted, but needed. It occurred to me that I feel this need to have a best friend because I'm freaking insecure. I've felt like putting a "Friend Wanted" sign in the front yard. Or pinning a, "Hi, My Name is Sandra, Will You be My Friend?" tag on my shirt when I go to the grocery store. It's soo much easier to have a best friend who you know will be there. But I realized that my own insecurities have kept me from developing friendships all around me. Maybe I don't have to have a one best friend. But I'm going to try to stop obsessing over having a friend as my security, and start living my life with the friends I have. I'm throwing out the "Friend Wanted" sign and taking on the mindset that life is meant for living. And I will enjoy my life and the people in it. Even if that means I have to step out of my comfort zone.