Beautiful

It's been exactly two weeks since the older kids have gone back to school. I've been thinking about the day I would only have one child at home for a long time. I've enjoyed the chaos of five little ones being with my every day, but I've also looked forward to a slower pace of life having only one child at home offers.

I knew I would spend the first few days being deliciously lazy. I did and it felt wonderful. Playing outside, taking walks, cleaning my house and having it actually stay clean for more than two minutes (: It's been really fun. But I thought for sure by now I would be waking up in the morning and fixing my hair and putting on makeup. I hardly ever wear makeup and my hair stays in a perpetual state of dishevelment. We went out with some friends a couple of weeks ago, so I had an excuse to make myself nice and pretty. I curled my hair and wore a cute outfit. And it felt fabulous. But it also took me an hour and a half to get ready, and quite frankly, I can think of a lot of other things I would rather be doing in an hour and a half. Like read books with Ivan or try out a new recipe or look at Pinterest for fun ideas (:

Still being in "mom to a bunch of kids mode" has kind of gotten me down lately. I wonder if I should put forth an effort to look pretty every day. I see other moms who always look so put together and it made me feel a little jealous of the lifestyle some people get to live. I hate being envious of other people. It's such a stupid thing to want what someone else has (or what I *think* they have). It left me feeling bummed and like I wasn't good enough because I live in yoga pants.

So I took Ivan outside and we played in the leaves and he got just as dirty as a little boy should get. I grabbed a rake and he grabbed a broom and I started raking the leaves in the front yard. After about 30 minutes of raking, my neighbor pulled her car up to the curb and said, "You're a vision of beauty!" Huh? How could I, covered in sweat and leaves and dirt, be beautiful? But then she said, "I love watching you keep up with your little one."  And it struck me, a mom just living life with her family really is beautiful. I got so consumed with thinking everyone else was having so much more fun than me, but I let that control the happiness I have all around me. I love how a change in perspective can alter your view on life. I got to see how my neighbor sees me. I spent the day feeling down on myself. But that change in perspective made me realize that my life is just as fun as anyone else. In fact, it's pretty much perfect.

No makeup, covered in sweat and dirt- but today I feel beautiful.

Friend Wanted

9 year old Sandra. I was a tomboy in a dress.

Growing up, my older brother, Paul, and  I were best friends. We were inseparable. Every day after we had finished our school work, we would either play outside, or build a blanket fort in the basement, or build furniture for the "little people" we were convinced lived in our walls and only came out at night. No matter what we were doing, our imagination was used in full force and it was always fun.

But that all changed the summer when I was nine years old. Paul met some friends who went to our church and also lived in our neighborhood. I desperately wanted to hang out with them. I considered myself to be just as rough and tumble as any boy and I could keep up with the best of them. But after a few failed attempts at tagging along, I realized that the epic adventures they went on, did not leave room for a little sister.

So I tried to have fun without Paul. I made plates and bowls out of mud, but it just wasn't the same. I tried to draw some pictures, but my lack in artistic ability left me drawing stick figures without my brother's imagination. I read book after book, but I got bored of reading. So what was the logical thing for an odd little girl who lost her best friend to do? I busted out some construction paper and crafted together a beautiful "Friend Wanted" sign. I was just certain that if I put the sign in the front yard, someone would walk by and see it and want to be my friend. So my mom helped me get a stick and tape the sign to it. It sat cheerfully in the front yard for over a week. And no one inquired about being my friend. So I took the sign down and decided to take matters into my own hands. I hopped on my bike and rode around the two blocks I was allowed to be without my parents. I scoped out every house and every yard to see if a kid lived there. Finally, I did find a friend. A girl named Christan who lived a street over from me. We would ride bikes and go to the park and use our imagination to no end.

Ever since then, I think I've had this "best friend complex". Something happened when I turned 30. I gained the ability to acknowledge aspects of my personality- and instead of being ashamed or embarrassed, I can somehow accept it and try to figure out a way to overcome it. I've always needed a best friend. Someone who I can call every day and plan things with. When I moved away from Kansas City, I was sad to leave my friends. Because starting over and making new friends is hard. But I did it. In the seven years I was away from KC, I developed friendships and had fun. But in the back of my mind, I kept thinking how much more fun I would be having if I could just be back home. And we moved back. But the ideas I had in my head of what my life would be like if I just had my old friends back, didn't happen. Whether it's a matter of distance, or different schedules, or the chaos of life, I don't have the relationship with my best friends that I wanted. Not just wanted, but needed. It occurred to me that I feel this need to have a best friend because I'm freaking insecure. I've felt like putting a "Friend Wanted" sign in the front yard. Or pinning a, "Hi, My Name is Sandra, Will You be My Friend?" tag on my shirt when I go to the grocery store. It's soo much easier to have a best friend who you know will be there. But I realized that my own insecurities have kept me from developing friendships all around me. Maybe I don't have to have a one best friend. But I'm going to try to stop obsessing over having a friend as my security, and start living my life with the friends I have. I'm throwing out the "Friend Wanted" sign and taking on the mindset that life is meant for living. And I will enjoy my life and the people in it. Even if that means I have to step out of my comfort zone.

Our Adventure

One of our favorite family activities is to take a hike in the woods. This summer has been way too hot to hike, but today was a beautiful "preview of fall" kind of day.

I love the smell of the woods in the fall. The sweet, earthy scent that overwhelms you. Warm sun shining down on you and crunchy leaves that are just waiting to be stepped on. We got lucky today and saw a deer, a couple of cool dead catfish and a funny shrimp thing. But I think the most fun was when we found a corner of the lake that was almost void of water. There was thick mud and we all threw rocks into it. Something about hearing the squish of the mud was soo much fun!

I'm glad that as parents, Nate and I are able to pass down our love of nature to our kids. Every time we head out into the woods, it's an adventure!!!

Eating some lunch before we go on a hike.

My big boy!

Gabs and our deer friend.

Throwing rocks in the mud!!!

I told Gabs to make a "serious face". I love it!!!!!

My little sunshine boy.

Dub Dub and Daddy.

He likes to be carried on our hikes.

Cool!

Exploring.

So many things to discover.

One Little Boy

Yesterday as I was leaving the school after taking traditional pictures of all the kids in their classrooms, a chubby little hand reached up and grasped tightly in mine. "You just have one little boy," Ivan said in his matter of fact two year old voice. "I sure do," I said. I wanted to cry. Just the thought of leaving four of my kids with someone else for such a long time during the day chokes me up. But it's also a very exciting start to a new time in our families lives.

Ivan and I spent yesterday having a "lazy day". We went for a walk, read books, did his favorite puzzle about twenty times. I baked muffins and blueberry banana bread and I wasn't interrupted even one time. This summer was lots of fun, but it was also very difficult. The kids are all far apart enough in age to want to do different activities, but close enough in age to do themselves some serious fighting. By the end of their summer vacation, I seriously considered recording myself saying, "stop fighting," and just have it on auto play.

I've spent the past 10 years in full on mommy mode. My life has been spent living in sweats with frazzled hair and no makeup. And you know what? I've enjoyed every second of it. I know that the chaotic balancing act of taking constant care of five kids is a season in my life. A season that at times has felt like an eternity, but as I left that school with only one little boy, I realized that this season has gone by in the blink of an eye.

Our family picture after Ivan Thomas was born. If there's one thing I've learned as a mom, it's to enjoy every second of the time spent with your kids.

Why homeschooling isn't for us...right now.

Quite often when people find out I have five kids, they say this, "Wow, you have FIVE kids? Do you homeschool?" Our kids have always gone to public school, but homeschooling is something that I've constantly gone back and forth on. I was homeschooled for almost my entire K-12 life. So I know first hand the pros and cons when it comes to homeschooling. After a lot of prayer (and a test run on homeschooling this summer), Nate and I made the decision to send the kids back to public school this year.

I've spoken with a lot of moms who are in the same place as I am- trying to figure out if homeschooling is best for your kid. And then after you make a decision, having the question of whether or not you made the right choice. Here's a couple of reasons why we made the decision to keep the our children in public school:
First, they go to an amazing school. The principal is awesome, and that makes a huge difference in how a school is run. The faculty and staff are great and they all have good friends that they enjoy seeing. I can think of different reasons why they all benefit from being in school. The structure is good for them in different ways. One good thing about being homeschooled is that you have the ability to finish your work and then do whatever you want. My brother and I would get our work done by lunchtime, and the rest of the day we would spend outside playing, building forts, riding our bikes, reading, drawing. But I've found that when it's only two kids, playtime usually goes smoothly. But when it's five kids, it's a whole different story. A negative thing that comes with having so much free time after your work is done, is that study skills usually aren't formed. I'm speaking from experience. Every family who homeschools is different, just like every kid is different. But I didn't form any structured study skills when I was homeschooled and I struggled with that in college. I can see the same personality in some of my kids. A little structure is a good thing (:

The kids and I have had lots of fun this summer. I've planned activities, crafts, outings pretty much every day. They've been fabulous. But as the summer winds down, my sweet kiddos have gone from being helpful and kind to each other to picking at each other and fighting. They benefit from being in school, but honestly, so do I. I'm looking forward to spending time with just Ivan. My mommy guilt hits in when I think about the fact that hearing the term "back to school" literally makes me want to jump for joy! But we've had a fun summer. I gave homeschooling a shot, and even though it isn't right for us this year, I definitely see it happening in the future.

But for now, I'm totally looking forward to next week when school resumes and I regain a functioning brain!

Craft time.

They take "summer school" time seriously- for a little while anyway (: