Eleven Years

"When are you due?," the woman at the grocery store smiled and nodded at my swollen belly. "I'm, uhh, I'm due Christmas day," I stammered. I wanted to get a sign that said, "Yes, I'm having a baby out of wedlock." I squeezed my box of fudgesicles close to me and prayed that by not making eye contact with her, she would stop talking. "Aww! Congratulations! And good luck!", she said, with indifference that only a stranger can get away with.

That was eleven years ago. But today, that memory hit me like it just happened. It's funny how a warm December day, or a certain smell or location, can transport you back to a place in time. I was scared to be a mom. Scared to give birth. But I was determined to do it all on my own. What did I know? Malachi didn't come on Christmas day. He came on my birthday- New Year's Eve. A 9 pound baby boy. And I fought hard to be the best mom I could be- Those first few nights, cradling him in my arms. Not getting any sleep because I kept checking to make sure he was still breathing. Nights spent gently laying him in his bassinet, only to hear the sound of his cry minutes later. Which led me to the living room, sitting in my dad's chair, turning on Charles in Charge and trying to keep my eyes open while a wide eyed boy stared at his exhausted mama.

When I think back on that season of my life, I remember how hard it was. But it's only when I really think about it, that I realize how difficult it was. Because my life moved on from the days of being pregnant with Malachi. My days of being a single mom and struggling to take care of my son, turned into days of being married and having more children and having a beautiful, amazing life that I couldn't imagine of when I was going through the hard days.

That's what life gives us. Memories. Sometimes they're hard to think of. Sometimes all of the good things that happen as a result of the tough times make those memories something to smile about. But one thing I'm always reminded of, is that God is good. God is sovereign. God is faithful.

My life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. It's so much better than I could have ever dreamed. It was when I stopped fighting to have control of what I thought my life should be, that I got to see this life I have for what it is.

If someone would have told me, eleven years ago, when I was filled with uncertainty, that I would end up marrying the father of the child that moved inside of me, I wouldn't have believed them. But it gets even better- not only would I have Malachi and marry the love of my life, but we would go on to have four more kids? That was something I could never have imagined.

Sometimes when I look at Malachi, I can still see that chubby baby who changed my life. I cherish those memories of the first few months I had when it was just me and him. And I thank God that He can change the times when I was bone tired, and scared for what the future held, into memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.